Alone With My Thoughts

At the moment, I’m feeling quiet and emotional. I just finished watching ‘Why Did I Get Married Too?’ for the second time. I watched it on my own months ago, this time I watched it with Matt and the rest of my family. I have learned more about myself and my relationship from watching it as there were aspects of myself and how I handle different situations in my relationship that came out in the movie. I didn’t see them as clearly the first time. There are certain things that I won’t go into because they are too personal but I am learning just how important communication and vulnerability is. For the longest of time I’ve found it very difficult to be vulnerable in front of people I love and those I know love me back.  I got so used to being shouted down when I tried to express myself that I just closed down ‘for peace sake’. It didn’t ever bring me any peace though. It brought me hurt, pain, a bruised self esteem and a crushed self-image. In the movie ‘Why Did I Get Married Too?’ we see a couple that started off so well. Gavin & Patricia Agnew were the model marriage for their friends and those they considered family. They were the ‘run-to-couple’ everyone went to for counsel about their marriages. Patricia Agnew (Janet Jackson) is a psychologist and Gavin Agnew (Malik Yoba) is an architect. I saw myself in Patricia for a couple of reasons. -She found it very hard to communicate her feelings at all let alone confidently. She tried to do everything on her own. She felt that because she could use her expertise to work magic in everyone else’s lives around her she didn’t need to take anyone else’s advice. She didn’t need to open up. She could handle it all on her own. She tried to keep complete control all the time. -She’s a psychologist and I want to be one too. Time and time again I have tried to handle things the way men do. They go into their cave and at least attempt to go some distance on their own with dealing with their problems before they ask for help. They feel more like men when they know they are in control of their lives. They don’t really talk it out they just find solutions and deal with it. I’m trying to fight tears so bad right now and losing so I’m just going to let them fall. Folks, love is important. Very important and we all need it. Men as much as you can deal with things on your own that doesn’t mean you cannot ask for help when you need it. It can be hard to let people in sometimes but we need to, especially women. We need to not be afraid to talk about our problems, that’s how we handle things. We talk. I used to try to handle everything on my own, I started telling myself that I didn’t deserve help. I told myself that I didn’t deserve love because I didn’t like myself. I found it so hard to come to terms with the fact that a man has chosen to love me with all he has and he has reserved his heart for me. I found it so hard to accept because I couldn’t see why. That’s where I saw myself in Angela (another character in the movie), that woman was crazy and she knew it and because of that she couldn’t understand why Marcus (her husband) stayed with her. She thought he would up and leave with someone else because she felt like a burden. I used to try to shut Matt out repeatedly so I could deal with all of my insecurities on my own but he loves me too much to just leave me because he could see me struggling. God, I love that man so much! He reads me better than I do at times, he understands me genuinely. I don’t always have to talk, he can read my eyes. He can read what I’m saying when I squeeze his hand or nestle my head in his chest. He reads my tears and the way he does it reminds me of God himself. No words, just actions and he can read it all. I do cry when I think about it because he’s my dream come true. I don’t want my future career to make pride rear it’s head and damage my relationships so I’m learning how to avoid this from now. I’m learning how to love and allow myself to be loved back and it feels great. Love heals.Patricia held her problems in for so long that her and Gavin ended up getting a divorce and it was a nasty divorce. They were fighting and arguing and smashing things and eventually he died in a car accident and Pat never got the chance to apologise. She then had to deal with that for a long time. Yes we all have times when the person we love gets on our nerves and we don’t feel like loving them but that’s when we need to love them most. Please love and allow yourself to be loved back before it’s too late. If you have hurt someone, please make amends so you both can heal. If someone has hurt you, please forgive them and allow your heart to heal so that you can gain the strength to move on. Now, where’s my teddy bear…I need a cuddle…

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